Tuesday, October 13, 2009

AD COPY: Alienation

Dear Mr. Rebane:

Here is the revised copy. I agree: the first line IS fairly flat -- I understand you wanted something with more pop than "one more place to shop". But I think it could work and if you continue reading, you'll see that it leads immediately into the whole consumerist dystopia theme, which we thought was fairly clever. Thank you -- I agree, the rest of our work is top-notch!

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BB&W Ad Agency

PS. In light of today's mishap in the cinema, our team came up with an addition to the rotating slogans: "Solaris. Now with even more cool exposed ductwork." What do you think?
__________
BROCHURE:

The new Solaris Centre in Tallinn -- just one more place to consume merchandise.

Or is it?

Don't be fooled: it's not a shopping mall. Solaris is an entertainment and lifestyle centre.

Ah, but whose entertainment and lifestyle: yours or that of the sociologists on a distant planet who are monitoring you as you shop for the contents for your next round of landfills?

We're not telling.

Sure, we may not throw in a good mood for free like the competition, but we do promise self-insight. And that is far more valuable and unsettling.

**


Don't take the entertainment and lifestyle bit too seriously, of course -- we've also gone to great lengths to make Solaris recognizable as a shopping mall.

When we built Solaris, we started with a building that was once called a Marxist-Leninist cathedral. We tore as much of it down as we could. Then we contracted it out to the lowest bidder and rebuilt it at a cut rate.

Like the Viru Centre shopping center next door, there's a food store anchor tenant on the 0-level, designer goods stores on the next two levels, and a large book store.

Cinamon, which we'd again like to point out is a pun and not a misspelling, offers a selection of many of the same films shown at Coca-Cola Plaza, and modular construction techniques.

On the upper levels, speciality shops and a second, arthouse cinema are elusively inaccessible, manifesting an artistically ephemeral quality, because we didn't get them ready in time for the opening of the rest of the centre.

That's right -- in a world of brand-new shiny obsolescent things, we went one step further and opened something that is so brand-new that it isn't even finished.

Like the chefs in the foreign-chain eateries, the open concept extends to the glass elevators, where you can catch a glimpse of workmen welding important metal pieces and counterweight assemblies.

"We gave these people jobs," is what we are trying to tell you. "Look at how we're working to get things right -- even on your time."

Tired of bored security guards at other malls? The lack of signposts or a site map in Solaris also encourages you to talk to our staff.

*


When you enter Solaris, you're not in the darkest autumn of the recession anymore. Safe inside the stable, 1980s-style hull -- in one of the cafes, shops or construction areas -- you'll be anchored in some sunnier cove of the galactic sea, where jobs are plentiful and distances are compressed by warp drive.

We carry almost the complete catalog of a small southern Estonian organic dairy. And then we fly in Ben and Jerry's every week. Not because it's better and Estonian dairies can't, but because we can, and Estonian dairies won't.

You'll still be puzzling that last sentence over as you ride the escalator to the level 3 food court, where Lido -- Estonia's Latvian Nokia -- brings you a food court unto itself, with 156 comfort food options, all labelled with a price and a weight in grams. How do the servers know that they are giving you the right weight? Do they have bionic scales? No -- Solaris Centre's variable gravity environment automatically makes adjustments to bring the mass they dish out to the proper weight.

Solaris. Now with even more visible ductwork.

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is better than David Sedaris or even Beppe Severgnini. Keep it coming, Kris.

(Makes you wonder if Vello Vikerkaar and Kris Rikken are the same person?)

Anonymous said...

I like the good natured humor. It takes a hero to maintain this poised worlview in Estonia.

It is a miracle of sorts. I wonder if anyone even notices the beauty of it. Well, I do.

Anonymous said...

I meant poignant, I guess. Anyway, I feel warm inside somehow.

(Note to self - reduce dosage on the red ones.)

Kristopher said...

Vello is in more in a professional feuilletonist class, up with the greats. Sorry. But you'd be surprised how many people are working in obscurity, and that doesn't even include the actual internationally known writers who hang out here.

Drew said...

Heh, I was wondering why they picked the name Solaris. For some reason I think of a real estate project in the Ukraine. ANd of course the George Clooney movie.

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Take note that some Bingo houses don't allow food but some do, so it basically depends on the venue. Policies vary among different venues. For instance, some bingo halls allow reservation of cards, while others don't allow it. Some allow people to leave the venue in the middle of the game, others forbid it. But there are general policies observed in all bingo houses, such as disqualification of tampered bingo cards. There is no way you can get away with a tampered card because the walkers are adept at identifying authentic cards from tampered ones. You could be banned from a bingo establishment if proven liable of tampering a card. Hence, you should play honestly.

Interestingly, some venues offer special bingo games for kids although some halls don't allow players to have companions while playing. Suppose you bring kids with you, don't let them run around the venue and bother other gamers. They should behave well whilst you play and the game proceeds. Play quietly and don't recite the numbers you desperately want to come off because you'll be much of a disturbance if you do. Decorous playing is expectant of all players, even those who play roulette at casinos. Also, having a valid identification is important because you don't know you might win and need to present credentials.

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