By now, you've heard a range of speculation about why or how Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Perhaps you've added to the discourse yourself. I haven't yet heard anyone try to tie the bombing of the moon to the story, and frankly, I'm relieved. I wouldn't have put it past anyone. You see, people lack hope. They will scoff at the possibility that crashing space junk might raise a plume of water. But as we know, the moon came out of the Pacific Ocean -- so what's the chance it isn't at least coated with moisture. One day there will be a water pipeline to Earth. And you can be sure a Nobel in science will be waiting for the guy who initiates the brainstorming process. Then, of course, the hard work of figuring out how to install the flexible couplings on the pipe so it doesn't break off when the Earth spins and the Moon doesn't. That's why you've got to have hope, I say. Look where faith got us during the Bush years.
Some of the Obama/Nobel theories listed below occurred to me; others are slightly more sophisticated. I just wanted to lay them out here in one place so we can see how ridiculous it all is. I mean, they can't all be true, right? Wouldn't the far simplest explanation be that it was a message of hope? It's a beautiful concept. You might still be saying: "Hope, that's not for me! That's wishy-washy stuff." Or you might say, "Hope, huh. Nope, I prefer faith." Yeah, well, think of hope as faith's mathematical and economic cousin. Hope is faith with a college degree. Think of hope as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we hope hard enough, and pay... That's right, I said pay, not pray. In fact, I say we should create an InTrade market right now that Obama will be successful and pay into it. My question is, why would anyone bet against Obama? I see Obama as a futures derivative. We got it all wrong last autumn: it's not the people who make derivatives, it's the people who bet against them. Our biggest enemies in fact are the speculators who would bet against Obama. Let's put it another way, if I created a derivative based on your chances of being alive tomorrow, would you not invest in it? And if you knew Obama was your only way out of the fix we've all got ourselves into...well, it doesn't take a Nobel prize winner in math to figure it all out.
Anyway, the other alternatives in the order in which I thought of them or heard them, for pure entertainment.
1. The Nobel Committee is brainwashed!!
2. Obama made a personal secret trip to Oslo to lobby for his case before the Nobel Committee.
3. Obama promised to vote for Norway in Eurovision. (OK, a bit silly. The US doesn't even compete in Eurovision. Then again, who would have thought the US would elect a black president?)
4. Event marketing bait. Rather than wanting to increase Obama's moral authority, the Nobel Committee actually wanted Obama present at the award ceremony to increase TV ratings. Actually awarding the prize to Obama is the best way to ensure this.
5. "Peace" is to be understood in the Orwellian sense of the Nobel War Prize. After all, Arafat and Kissinger have won the Peace Prize.
6. The Nobel Committee is crazy -- crazy like a fox. It's trying to send Obama on a guilt trip for doing so little (nothing, actually) in the hope -- there's that word again -- that he'll shape up.
7. Alfred Nobel's will says the Peace Prize shall go to the person "who SHALL HAVE done the most" for a number of good causes. Being non-native speakers of English, the members misunderstood this to mean that the Nobel is to be awarded for future deeds, or that it is to be given to the person who is ordained by the Lord to have done the most when all is said and done.
8. Nobel's will specifically mentions "abolition and reduction of standing armies". Drone airstrikes on villages in Afghanistan and Pakistan have nothing to do with standing armies and represent a step toward automated warfare. More civilians have been killed in 2009 under Obama than were killed in all of 2008 under Bush, and thus Obama is doing the best work for fraternity between the nations.
9. The Nobel Committee is a wise, cognizant body that realizes there's not much that can be done to prevent the US from starting to bully Iran, and figures that it might as well sacrifice credibility by awarding the Nobel to Obama in the chance that it might postpone the carnage.
10. Russia requested it for unspecified reasons. They're always so enigmatic.
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5 comments:
I haven't yet heard anyone try to tie the bombing of the moon to the story, and frankly, I'm relieved.
I have, unfortunately.
Obama has been a disappointment, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and hoping he can fulfill some of his promises by the end of his 4 years.
You've out-done yourself Kris. This is some hilarious shit. You should not let it hang out for free on the internet like that. Jon Stewart and the likes have high paid propellerheads who have to come up with stuff like that and even they fall short. By far often times.
Thanks for sharing. I feel like I owe you a beer or something. :-)
If you're serious, thanks. I thought this one was uneven.
I don't think I'm really going for comedy writer. Even in the golden age (late 1970s and 1980s) when they were kings of the world, that took real discipline, poise and professionalism.
It's actually an interesting broader discussion. I believe that one gets what one deserves on the Internet. Basically, I don't think there are unsung herpes and tragic artists scribbling away in obscurity on the public Internet. The cream rises to the top by itself pretty efficiently. Or?
I wrote herpes instead of heroes. Now that's funny...
So, you feel the lift yet?
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