Last summer, the blockbuster of the year, Lafghanistan, made you split your sides. This winter, get ready to laugh again, and even longer. Laughagainistan: Director's Cut...
Scene I: Operation McCrevice press conference
(a crowded briefing room, cameras pop and flare)
BRITISH GENERAL: Philip McCrevice. (Laughter) No really -- Philip McCrevice. (More laughter.) Could we have some order in here? As I was saying, the operation was designed by Philip McCrevice --
-- and Philip McCrevice happens to be one of the best operations designers in Britain.
AMERICAN OFFICIAL: He's worked with Benetton. Did the Lynndie England ads. Very edgy stuff.
BRITISH GENERAL: When we requested a plan to penetrate presumed terrorist networks in this country, logistics had only one thing to say to us: 'Philip McCrevice, sir.'
AMERICAN OFFICIAL (nodding): Philip McCrevice.
BRITISH GENERAL: And we followed their advice. And it has been mutually satisfying.
JOURNALIST #1 (wiping tears from his eyes): Sir, how did this latest arrest go down? Was the public ever at risk?
BRITISH GENERAL: Our crack team apprehended Amon Dul at an upscale fish and chips restaurant. Mr. Dul was in the act of surreptitiously emptying out a basket of complimentary matchbooks by the door. I should note the investigation was brought to a climax by the Home Office's own Operation Panopticome, which had filmed Mr. Dul buying socks earlier that day in an area even we did not know we had cameras in.
AMERICAN OFFICIAL: The socks were not in his foot size.
BRITISH GENERAL: We believe that he intended to use the matches to set fire to his socks in a public place. Or that he intended to extract a volatile ingredient from the after-dinner mints, which were also stolen from the restaurant, and use the socks as a wicking device. It could also have been that..
AMERICAN OFFICIAL: We treated it on the same level of seriousness as last month's Pillow Fight incident where Bed, Bath & Beyond received suspiciously large orders for potentially flammable soft cushions. As in that case, I believe we were one step ahead of the public.
BRITISH GENERAL: That is, we firmly believe the public was never at risk from the Sock Bomber or the Pillow Fight plot.
(murmuring from the press corps)
AMERICAN OFFICIAL: One at a time, please.
JOURNALIST #2: There's been much concern about blurring of the boundaries between military and civilian authorities. Should the Sock Bomber should be brought before a military tribunal?
BRITISH GENERAL: We're aware of that, and that's why we've taken action in the most stringent, meticulous and relentless civil instance available to us -- libel court in London.
AMERICAN OFFICIAL (holding a finger to his ear): Speaking of slander, I'm just hearing this from the networks. An Operation McCrevice informant named Abdullah Jizza has just led to the arrest of a Guatemalan national for talking. This is breaking news, folks.
JOURNALIST #2: Is the Guatemalan also involved in the sock bomb plot?
BRITISH GENERAL (looks over at the liaison, then puts his finger to his ear as well): No, he was talking. (Pause.) He was...yes. We're waiting for a Spanish interpreter from the Americans to see what he is saying. He worked as a dishwasher at the fish and chips restaurant. Perhaps 'arrest' would not be the right word.
AMERICAN OFFICIAL: Mr. Ramon Martinez is being held preventively for his own safety.
BRITISH GENERAL: As is Mr. Jizza, because my colleague here has just publicly disclosed his name. Abdullah Jizza.
AMERICAN OFFICIAL: That's 'Jizza'. Yes. J-I-Z -- More on that as it develops. We're out of time, folks.
(The men hurry together, holding hands, to a waiting helicopter.)
(Camera zooms out to reveal the press conference and helicopter are part of a film set.)
DIRECTOR: OK, that's a wrap. We'll do the chopper crash first thing tomorrow.
NEXT: Scene 2 -- Helmand's Mayonnaise!